I'm Lazy

So we made the decision to buy Dylanne a cell phone for her 9th birthday.  Not a decision I was in favor of and needed a lot of convincing from Heather to actually go through with it.  She's had the phone for a couple weeks now and has not "over done" it with the calls or the texting, which is a relief, but I know that in time it will get out of hand.  She loves to talk, so it is almost expected to come.

Today, Dylanne called me from a friends house to ask a question, which is why we got her the phone.  She ends the call by saying, "Alright Dad...I love you."

I hung up the phone and it hit me.  Out of all of the calls that I have gotten from her, I cannot remember one time that she hasn't ended the call with "I love you".

I do reciprocate the I love you with a "I love you too".  I had to ask myself, why am I always the one reciprocating the I love yous and not the one initiating them?

As a father of two young girls, these are words that I do not say enough.  I know that the tough guy argument is that " I don't tell them I love them, but I show it t them everyday and they know I love them".  Do they?  Actions speak louder than words? Do they?

I remember laying in a hospital bed 2 days after my 30th birthday.  I just had, what they are calling, a heart attack, and was recovering.  My kids were 4 and 2 at the time.  I remember looking at them and wife as I played the "what if" game.  The biggest what if that I struggled with was, if I did not make it, did they know how much I loved them?  Did I show them enough and did I tell them enough? 

Medical situations are no strangers in our house.  God continues to test our family.  Even through all of the hard times, the end result has always been a stronger love for one another.  After every single thing that happens to our family, especially medical, we always seem to grow closer together, but there has to be a better, less stressful way to achieve this unity.

So why is it so hard to tell someone you love them?  More importantly for me, why do I only say it when I think the other person needs to hear it?

It's not that I am some kind of cold hearted bastard.  I have a very open heart.  We Bought A Zoo makes me tear up for crying out loud.  It's not that I am afraid to say the words, because I have said them before.  i don't believe that the words can get "watered down".  I don't say the words with expectation that they will be reciprocated, although that is good to hear. So that really only leaves one thing.....I'm lazy.

I'm lazy because I don't exercise those words enough.  I need to say it more often to those people in my life that I love.  I don't want to ever lose a loved one and have regrets that I never told them that I loved them.  I definitely don't want my loved ones to every have a day in which they feel like they have no one that loves or cares about them.  Finally, I don't want to leave this earth myself without leaving those three words to those that I care about.

So I thought more about it and started thinking about the last time that i told my wife and kids that I loved them; initiated by me.  Heather and I celebrate 11 years of marriage tomorrow and I cannot honestly remember the last time that i told her that I loved her first.  That's awful.  My two girls always tell me they love me, but rarely do they have to say, I love you too Dad.

I write about this tonight because during my purpose of doing everything that I can to improve the lives of kids with Type 1 Diabetes, I am also trying to become a better Dad, husband and over all person.  Throughout this journey, I have realized that it starts on in the inside, specifically the heart.  Opening my heart up, overcoming my fears and being courageous. 

I have a long way to go in both areas but the journey has been fulfilling.

No more being lazy for this guy.

I Love You.